having come home is not what i anticipated- though in part that in itself was fully expected. i haven’t done half the things i’ve wanted to nor half the things i should
among them would be updates and blogging, though i guess it’s no huge surprise they are what fell by the waist side. but nonetheless God is still speaking and caring for me as always, i just haven’t been disciplined in telling you about it. for those of you who do not know since i left the states i have been ill with something no one can seem to identify. it has been fairly unforgiving but not all days go to waste. i find myself at home in this land between sky and wheat field with a wind strong enough you’d half expect it to blow your cares away. not truly up to going out much i’ve been helping mom not burn the cinnamon buns, baking for someone who might want a cake in the next few days, learning the piano like i’ve wanted to forever, discovered a love for photography and can’t stop rhyming for life of me. me and time are becoming well acquainted and we pass it mostly by waiting, or at least that’s what it seems. this time of rest has excellent benefits like reading my Bible till i’m full, or praying for life, for family, for friends and the future i’ve been very wary to think of.
to be honest i mostly shy away from what i’ve got inside. it’s just so thick and i mean really what do you say? i’ve gotten the understanding nod and the reassuring- it must be hard returning to affluence- and i think i must sound like every other world traveler returning with a burden no one knows how to help carry. ya the money is apparent and the root of unthinkable evils but for some reason that’s not what brings me to tears. but can i pinpoint what exactly that might be? no i couldn’t if you straight up asked me. i could give you an idea if you’re willing to listen and maybe bear a fit of rage or two. however i don’t want to guilt or to paralyze, but only to inspire cause that’s when people move forward i’ve realized- when they feel hope you see . i saw the needs, the abundant needs, which was what i asked for essentially. i wouldn’t give it back, this perspective, this constant slideshow of the destitute; it’s just really hard cause now i’ve seen the need but how to answer it i have no idea. there is a love that redeems injustice but so many with the responsibility and capability to act don’t even truly understand the meaning of grace let alone humbly accept it for themselves- not saying i do entirely either but i discovered i didn’t when i thought i did.
i’ve come to think that satan would love this whole thing to be too big to approach, that it’s not processable because there’s just so much. of course that’s not true. i know that God’s work in the last 8 months is impossibly intricate but my journey was specific and ordained and He is a faithful patient Father who helps. that’s basically what i tell myself. it just takes courage to stay steady at the helm for a greater good i may not see yet by always choosing to believe and trust that God is a God of redemption and healing, he loves freedom and craves justice. the difference between our desires and His is that He gets what He wants all the time, i just dont understand. I know God has made us specifically and certain things make more angry and broken than others. our project coordinator has said that is a gift of holy rage. he’d say some things are worth gettin mad about in the world and the question is what are you doing with that? i think it can hardly be worth the foam at the mouth if it’s just an emotionally charged spew. God calls us to do something, and of course it takes a certain level of sobriety amid the emoting to hear the answer to our asking the right questions. i fear i speak above my head- i dont know the answers to this process by all means (though as a good hipster christian does, i’ve read a few good books…) i’ve heard it said that if you can find your holy discontent and do something about it, life gets pretty exciting. this morning at 4 AM i think i may have found something….and the abundance of life that one moment brings when God speaks, is enough hope for me to truly know, it’s going to be okay.
as i perched on my bed at 4:30 this morning partially hovering i’m certain, i typed rapidly on my laptop attempting to account for my thoughts (cause everyone knows you never remember in the morning)–most of it is top secret, i trust you understand, but i thought i’d share a small hint for anyone remotely interested. ( warning: i can be fairly philosophical after 11PM so this is me at my best)
in my humble opinion, art is beauty and beauty is art.
alongside this thought it appears to me that there is so much out there claiming to be such, but hardly deserving this distinction.
So then is it the term art that we flippantly bestow or is it rather just too easy to be classified as beautiful?
maybe things that aren’t so pretty or easy to look at deserve more credit than those.
can something be beautiful without being art and can art be art without exuding some form of beauty?
of course one could cliche and announce beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
and so behold, we are none to judge
for the Creator is the one to say what is most pleasing
and what’s just a smudge.
john 1:4-5
ephesians 5:8-9, 13-14
–jenessa lynn
